Julie's Pod
Subscribe
Cover photo

They Are Too Young For These Clothes

Young adults at a funeral for one of their own.

Julie Lythcott-Haims

Nov 4, 2021
24

[T/W young adult suicide]

It is Tuesday morning. Two hundred of us stand around the large central foyer in a funeral home at the top of a mountain in Northern California. We are the early ones. The ones who filled the lot and began parking along the side of the long winding road. As others arrive, and three hundred more will come, the crowd will spill into the back hallway and down the side corridors and out into the misty Bay Area day that is unfolding.

We are gathered to mourn and celebrate a beautiful, brilliant, funny, and incredibly kind young man of twenty-two who has died by suicide. We are silent. We do not ask if we are in the right place or where to go. We await word that something will soon happen. In a time of chaos when the universe has folded in on itself and produced a day in which a young adult is no longer alive, it is so helpful for someone to simply be in charge and tell us what to do.

I arrived alone. I glance around at the clumps of masked people who belong to each other. I quickly realize that I hardly know any of them. That I am an outsider in this crowd. I stand toward the back and wear my arms folded across my chest like armor that holds my emotions inside of me. I am struck by the diversity of the crowd which speaks to me further about the magnificence of the one we've lost. That he touched everybody. And everybody is now here. A voice from way up at the front says that the chapel will open in a few minutes.

More than half of the crowd are in their late teens and early twenties. All wear black. Some are in suits. Others are in dresses, skirts, sweaters, shirts, long pants, wraps, capes. On their feet are Doc Martens, ankle boots, open toed high heels, velvet flats, oxfords, loafers, and the occasional sneaker. I watch them move toward one another with the ease of youth. I watch them come in for long hugs, hold the other by the shoulders, rub each other's back, these young who have been kept from each other for ten percent of their lives due to a pandemic. As they stand and wait their eyes are wide as if a wildfire is coming and they do not know if they will get out in time.

Standing at the back I am struck by the evidence of their youthfulness amid the evidence of their mortality. I think to myself This is wrong. They are too young for these clothes. Too young for the death of a peer. Too young for this not to be the first time.

It was my daughter who texted me last Wednesday from her college 3,000 miles away to ask, Have you heard? Then she got me on the phone and asked Are you in a place where you can sit down? After two minutes of listening to her news of the death of this tremendous young man whose story of struggle I know, whose story I put in my latest book, whose story I thought would continue on, it finally hit me. My sobs came up and out of me insistent like a jackhammer. My daughter was gentle. She didn't find it awkward that her mother was ugly crying. She held me over the phone like we were two women in grief not a mother and her twenty-year-old daughter. When I calmed a bit, I asked her how she was holding up, asked who could support her in this crisis since she is at college where nobody knows this young man's name. "I've got my friends, Mom." She reminds me. By which she means her friends from high school. She continues, "We know how to do this. We've been here before."

It breaks my fucking heart to know that there are young people in this much pain. The pain of depression that leads some to take their lives by suicide. The pain into the days and years after, when a friend or loved one has died by suicide.

This was not a lesson I wanted my daughter to learn. I never meant to offer my child a childhood where she could name the young people she knows who have died by suicide. But here in Silicon Valley, it has happened enough times for my daughter and her friends to know precisely how to be there for one another.

Each time a young person dies by suicide we wring our hands and point to genetic predisposition, and to the disease that is depression. I'm ready for us to also ask ourselves: What does it feel like to be a child in this place? Why do young people feel that life is not worth living? What are we going to do about it? One thing I know for sure is that we have to keep talking about it.

_____

Suicide is the second-leading cause of death for people between the age of 10 and 34.

If you or someone you love is experiencing suicidal ideation please contact the Crisis Text Line by texting 741741 (their website is here) or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline by calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) (their website is here).

My friend Katie Hurley is a licensed clinical social worker. Her piece on how to spot signs of teen depression is here.

Katie's piece on recognizing and responding to suicidal thoughts/ideation in humans of all ages and how to get help is here.

Katie's piece about how to respond to someone who has lost a loved one to suicide is here.

The "Mental Health First Aid" organization believes we should train people to respond to mental health crises just as we train people in First Aid. If you want more to learn more about this training, their website is here.

Please share your thoughts in the comments. Please be kind to those you see there.

You've been in Julie's Pod, an online community for folks who want to open up, be vulnerable, learn and grow, and in so doing help others learn and grow. You can subscribe here.

If you left a comment on any post before today, I've probably responded. The comments are always thoughtful and fantastic. Please feel welcome to join the conversation. I am particularly heartened by the overwhelming response I've received a recent piece about how over accommodating childhood fears and needs (such as by preparing food for your child to take places) is correlated with anxiety in children. If that resonates, check out that post. I hope you won't feel judged by it–I hope you'll feel seen and supported. You'll get tips for the way forward.

If you're interested in my work more broadly, definitely check out my website and I'm everywhere social media happens @jlythcotthaims.

If you've read this far, you are definitely entitled to a free "Julie's Pod" sticker for your laptop or water bottle courtesy of me and the U.S. Postal Service. Just DM me your snail mail address (or if you don't know how to DM a person, just email me@lythcott-haims.com). I promise I will toss your snail mail address in the trash as soon as I pop the sticker in the mail to you!

*Disclaimer: I am not a physician, psychologist, or counselor, nor am I licensed to offer therapy or medical advice of any kind. What you get from me is a fellow human with a lot of thoughts and opinions based solely on my lived experience. If you are having an emergency or are in crisis please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Line (800-273-8255) or text the Crisis Text Line at 741741.

© 2021 Love Over Time LLC All Rights Reserved

Cover Image courtesy of Getty Images/Melinda Podor

Subscribe for free to Julie's Pod
By subscribing, you agree to share your email address with Julie Lythcott-Haims to receive their original content, including promotions. Unsubscribe at any time. Meta will also use your information subject to the Bulletin Terms and Policies
24

More from Julie's Pod
See all

Join My Parents' Pledge to Improve Kids' Mental Health

Kids' mental health is in the toilet. Here's what we can do as parents to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem.
May 9
7
12

Thanks to the Leaked Opinion Out of SCOTUS, I've Been Pretty Wordless This Week: Now I Have Some Thoughts

Like you perhaps, reading the leaked SCOTUS draft opinion had me not REELING FROM but rather REALIZING the full impact of what we saw coming when Mitch McConnell refused to hold a hearing on President Obama's Supreme Court nominee in the wake of the death of Justice Scalia who died seven months before the next presidential election.
May 5
15

I Wanted Big Dirty Hot Love. Instead, I Got My Grown Kids Back Home

A Pandemic Love Story
Apr 27
5
7
Comments
Log in with Facebook to comment

24 Comments

  • Kathryn Palmieri
    Julie, I am thinking of you and your inner circles as I recall the lives I have lost in this manner. A wonderfully joyful nonbinary human who I advised at my last college position, a dear friend who left behind her husband, young children, and medical …
    See more
    • 27w
    • Author
      Julie Lythcott-Haims
      Good lord I am so sorry so much suffering, death and loss are happening all around you.
      • 27w
  • Alison Mazzola
    Born and raised in San Francisco. When I was in 8th and 9th grade two of my close friends committed suicide. Though that was almost 30 years ago, I still think of those friends every week. No one would take me to the funeral service. No one wanted…
    See more
    • 27w
    • Author
      Julie Lythcott-Haims
      My god I wish there was a "care" button. I'm sending that 8th and 9th grade version of you a huge hug. I'm taking you to the funeral in a car. I'm asking you how you're doing. Offering you a safe space to open up. I'm checking in with you for months. S…
      See more
      • 27w
    View 1 more reply
  • Andrew Black
    Julie, I have just discovered your page and I am both grateful and saddened by what you've written. My heart goes out to you and everyone affected by this loss of life. As a 20yr vet, I far too often receive word ofanother brother or sister lost from…
    See more
    • 27w
    • Author
      Julie Lythcott-Haims
      Andrew I wish there was a "care" button on this thing cuz i'm sending a HUGE hug to you. I'm so glad you found me and that you're here sharing in ways that other can see and feel. Thank you so much for offering this wisdom to me and to others.
      • 27w
  • Silvana Ordoñez
    I am so deeply sorry for the loss of this young life! My love and thoughts go out to you, your daughter and everyone mourning this tremendous loss. Thank you for sharing your experience with us and sharing important resources
    • 27w
    • Author
      Julie Lythcott-Haims
      thank you Silvana. this would be the opportune moment for a "care" button 🙂
      • 27w
  • Julie Runion
    Thank you for all of your posts and for being so real. You are one of the few in my inbox I have not unsubscribed from (too much coming at me these days). I am so sorry for your loss. There has been so much loss these past few years, but when it is a y…
    See more
    • 27w
    • Author
      Julie Lythcott-Haims
      You are so kind Julie, thank you. I hope to continue to provide things to think about in the larger quest to draw us closer together and help us heal ourselves. sending love back to you.
      • 27w
  • Julie DiCarlo
    I am so sorry for his loss and the pain of his loss felt by you and all who knew him. I'm going to share these resources and remember them when talking to my teen about the resources she and her friends share with each other.
    • 27w
    • Edited
    • Author
      Julie Lythcott-Haims
      beautiful plan
      • 27w
  • Richi Cano
    I have suffered from Depression virtually my entire Life ~ approximately = ~ in January of 1973 my 1st ever almost Official [F] GPA Grade Point Average report card Grade-d on the curve trigger-d my 1st = Acute Su-D Suicidal_ _ _ Depression = in hindsig…
    See more
    • 3d
  • Yukun Wu
    As for what it feel like to be a child in this place – I will usually not refer to someone over age of 18 as a “child”. But, if we are to discuss what it feels like to be a person in this place of witnessing someone he/she knows commit suicide, I think…
    See more
    • 27w
  • Michele Del Valle Vega
    It’s sad. But my kids have been to more funerals than I have my whole life and I’m 42! My 22 yr old has already been to 4 of his close friend’s funeral and he had one in Ohio he could go to last month and there is another one we have to go to possibly …
    See more
    • 27w
    • Author
      Julie Lythcott-Haims
      wow that's just unfathomable. add to that the active shooter drills and actual school shootings and it's like our kids have grown up in a war zone.
      • 27w
  • Rhonda Schmitzer
    I lost my son August 2010. He was 21 and an identical twin. He completed suicide for reasons we yet to understand. 11 years later it saddens me to see so many more now. I’m so sorry Julie.
    ❣️momma of Chase Adam
    • 23w
    • Edited
View 4 more comments
Share quoteSelect how you’d like to share below
Share on Facebook
Share to Twitter
Send in Whatsapp
Share on Linkedin
Privacy  ·  Terms  ·  Cookies  ·  © Meta 2022
Discover fresh voices. Tune into new conversations. Browse all publications