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Why Did a Homeless Guy Refuse My Money?

Why?

Julie Lythcott-Haims

Jan 12
14

It's last Thursday, the one-year anniversary of the insurrection at the Capitol. I'm driving out of the Safeway parking lot in my Jeep Wrangler when this happens:

I can't tell you why a stranger with a sign seeking money decided to refuse money from me. But Twitter offered a few funny GIFs and a ton of thoughts.

Some folks made me laugh:

Some tried to diagnose him:

Some folks thought that I needed reassurance. And yes, I'll admit that somewhere deep down inside, my inner child was thinking Waaah why don't he like meeeeeee. Those folks came to my aid with comments like:

Most saw it as wrong and offered varying degrees of outrage. But many took it farther and put this dude and me into our larger American context:

I'll admit to you that my assumptions trended in this direction, too. But maybe my assumptions are all wrong. Perhaps this was just a man asking for money who, for reasons having nothing to do with the differences he perceived to exist between us, decided not to accept money from me. I'm open to that reading of it.

_____

Regardless of the man's "why," the interaction unnerved me which is why I immediately went to Twitter to vent, and for reassurance. The experience felt to me like evidence that even the most basic things we used to count on in our society – that a stranger can aid a stranger who is asking for aid – no longer work anymore. I found it troubling. More than that, I found it deeply confusing.

Confusing like fake news (we can't agree on whom to trust), election outcomes (we can't agree on facts), COVID responses (we can't agree on science), and the ballot box (we can't agree on how to ensure access). This is not an exhaustive list.

And if my little interaction on the sidewalk outside a Safeway is fundamentally like these much bigger disagreements, then it feels like there's a profound misunderstanding at the heart of everything. But if that's true, can't we fix it? Can't we still sit down and say Wait, let's talk, let's unravel this so we can get back to a starting place we can both agree too? Or are we too late for that.

_____

Perhaps I shouldn't have driven away from the man. Maybe I should have pulled over and opened a conversation along the lines of Dude, you're looking for help and I'm offering it. What's going on here? (I know some of you will reply: but that might not have been safe; let's take safety off the table as that's not the point of this question.)

Instead, the way I handled my encounter with this self-described homeless man felt like an acquiescence to the way things are unraveling. A tiny morsel in the bucket of slop of all the things that don't make sense to me anymore. Can we use this little interaction as a teaching tool for how to think about the way forward? Pls comment below about:

  1. How do you interpret this interaction?

  2. How would you have felt if you were me?

  3. If that encounter was in its own way representative of what ails us in America, how might I have responded in order to make things better?

We're all trying to make things better, aren't we?

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14 Comments

  • Linda Laskowski Plass
    Thirty years ago after a college event at a park, we had tons of leftover giant sub sandwiches. There was a homeless man at the park, and I attempted to offer him some of this food that would otherwise go to waste. He refused it. Money was the only don…
    See more
    • 17w
    • Edited
    • Author
      Julie Lythcott-Haims
      beautifully put, Linda, thank you
      • 17w
  • Maria Kennedy
    I agree with some of the other responders that the interaction must have felt bad, and using the principle of Occam’s razor, it would seem racially motivated. perhaps the guy had mental problems but that’s even worse- a mentally unstable guy with a rac…
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    • 17w
    • Author
      Julie Lythcott-Haims
      I appreciate this perspective Maria. Thanks for sharing.
      • 17w
  • Joy Wagner
    I’ve heard of people who wanted to give food to someone and they have refused the food. How are you think someone gave somebody a sandwich and it didn’t have the right condiments on it and it was thrown back at them. So I think instances like that happ…
    See more
    • 17w
    • Author
      Julie Lythcott-Haims
      Yep I'm inclined to agree with you. Class and race and "woah this is not what I'm asking for lady." Also your initial point is echoed by @Linda above. Thanks for commenting, Joy.
      • 17w
  • Kathy Starks
    Julie,
    What an awful experience. I think I would’ve been hurt then angry as hell. It’s indicative to me of the bigger issues we face in this country. We do know that relationship is the key. The more we really get to know those different from us, the m…
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    2
    • 17w
    • Author
      Julie Lythcott-Haims
      thanks for your kindness, Kathy
      • 17w
  • Margaret J Knowles
    I'm so sorry this happened to you. You were just trying to help. I do agree there's probably an element of mental illness there. And while I don't know if race played any part of it or not, have you considered it may have been because you are a woman? …
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    • 17w
    • Author
      Julie Lythcott-Haims
      Really good point. If I'm searching for a cause of rejection I tend to go to 'race' before 'gender' but either can be a barrier to connection, of course, as can personality, appearance, way of being, etc. Thanks for raising it, Margaret.
      • 17w
    View 2 more replies
  • Yukun Wu
    In terms of how I would have felt: Now, if I am in this situation, I will very likely be in shock and have an amygdala hijack. So, only when my mood calms back down can I analyze the whole situation. This means I will not necessarily do better than you…
    See more
    • 10w
  • Caroline Aston Smith
    As on so many occasions in my life 'Why?' would have been my focus.
    • 17w
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